INFJs, You Need to Know These 4 Things About Finding a Spouse

What’s the best way to find a spouse as an INFJ?

When I was single, I got tired of waiting for the love of my life to show up on my doorstep. Looking back, I guess I’d expected to bump into her. I didn’t anticipate any effort on my part, at least when it came to searching.

But then I read a Proverb that changed my perspective: “He who finds a wife finds what is good.” The word that hit me in that statement was “find.” I realized could find a wife like finding a penny on the sidewalk, without any effort. Or I could find her like finding my lost iPhone when I’m intentionally looking for it.

Armed with this new perspective and motivated by a healthy discontentment, I took the first step I could think of.

How do you find your future spouse as an INFJ? Knowing these four things can help you significantly in your search to find the love of your life.

1. Write It Down.

I began by brainstorming the names of girls I’d met since high school whom I admired. I made a list. The list represented a change in my thinking where I began taking more responsibility for the part I had to play in finding my future spouse. I knew I couldn’t control everything and couldn’t guarantee I’d ever get married, but I could certainly increase my chances of meeting a potential spouse by getting in touch with people.

As I brainstormed names, I included the following criteria…

  • A common faith
  • An others-centered attitude
  • Integrity
  • A good reputation
  • Physical attractiveness

My list may look different than yours does or will. But the point is that I narrowed it down to my bottom-line priorities. She had to share my core values, but her personality type didn’t matter so much. My somewhat general, realistic list allowed me to meet awesome people that I would have missed out on otherwise.

2. Get In Touch.

Once I’d done the work of thinking through who I wanted to get to know, I started messaging and calling people. This was scary as all get out for me, but it was also exhilarating because I had the potential to get to know some people I had wanted to get to know for a long time. And usually, it’s the things that scare us the most that have the greatest opportunity to change our lives for the better. 

When I called, I did get rejected a few times and learned that some people were no longer available which was discouraging. But at the same time, checking out all of my options helped me silence the relationship what-ifs I’d carried with me for a long time so that I could keep moving forward.

Calling and messaging people also helped me. It made me bolder and more confident. And having a list of names kept me from getting stuck on any one person. It reminded me that “there were other fish in the sea.”

3. Include Your Friends and Family.

I also shared my thoughts, feelings, and reservations with close friends and family members whom I really trusted. They helped me work through it all and encouraged me to persevere.

Others set me up on blind dates. My friend’s wife, for instance, connected me with a friend of a friend. The date was awkward and didn’t work out, but we got along okay. And, as a result, the girl I met introduced me to one of her friends.

This introvert began to discover just how important other people were to my search. They helped me to become the person I needed to become to meet my future wife. And even though the calls and dates they arranged didn’t work out, each opportunity shaped my character and strengthened my confidence. It didn’t hurt that I got to meet great people along the way either.

4. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Eventually, my dad told me about a girl I should call. Several other men he respected told him I should call her. So he got a hold of her number, gave it to me, and encouraged me to get in touch.

I respected my dad’s advice and that of the other guys he’d talk to, and the girl he’d told me about met all of the requirements on my list. So I wanted to give her a call.

But when push came to shove, I was afraid to because I’d never really met her before. This would be a true cold call, and I hate talking on the phone – especially to people I’ve never met.

Fortunately, my dad pretty much cornered me in a room and told me I’d be calling her. He wasn’t overbearing or controlling. He just gave me the push I needed to do what I actually wanted to do but seemed to lack the courage for.

And I’m glad he did.

It turns out, there’s nothing wrong with or unusual about feeling afraid. Everyone feels that way at some point or another. What matters is how you respond to the fear. We all need people in our corner who are loving enough to give us a nudge at critical moments in our lives when we’re stuck.

They’re a big part of finding what we’re searching for…

What’re your biggest hang-ups when it comes to meeting your future spouse?

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Karilisa

    I found my spouse in a good friend from childhood whom I had not considered dating because he was my friend. Once we looked at each other through new eyes we found a wonderful match. 37 years later he is still my good friend and partner.

    • That’s fantastic, Karilisa! Thanks so much for sharing. Those kinds of relationships have tremendous potential!

  • That’s wonderful, Sierra! I think online dating really has a lot to offer once you sort through the candidates as you did. So glad you’re still going strong!

  • Cheryl

    I am not afraid of meeting someone or of taking a first step to reach out and say hi. My problem is that in the many decades of my life I have met very few men that I wanted to get to know better. Picky? Sure, because I have had so many “learning experiences” with very nice men who were simply not a good match for me at all.

    • Thanks for sharing, Cheryl. I appreciate your honesty. What did your best dating experiences share in common?

  • Alex Savage

    As an INFJ, I tend to be very loyal to someone and committed even when it may not be what I really want to do or what is healthy for me. So with dating and finding a wife, I can be afraid to date because I know my heart will get attached to a person even if I know, due to my intuition, that it won’t work out or that it won’t be what is best or what I really want. The women I have dated tend to become quite attached to me because they know I will be a good partner (they see that I can think equally from my right and left brain, that I’m compassionate, that I actually listen, that I can go deep – qualities that men don’t often have), so it can be quite emotionally difficult to let them go and move on. In typical INFJ fashion, I have somewhat high standards and ideals for how I want my wife to be or how I want our relationship to feel. For instance, one girl I met online and have been seeing a while seems a little vain, insecure, and into herself, but I’d prefer my wife to be more “plain Jane” and not care how she looks so much. However, she has so many other good qualities that meet the major things I am looking for in a woman. How do I let go of this negative thing I see in her and other negatives I see so that I can move forward and not be so idealistic?

    • Alex, that’s a great question! It might help to prioritize what’s essential and what’s not. Ask, “What are the ‘must haves’ and what are the ‘can live with qualities?'” If she’s got all the essentials, shares your values, and there’s no glaring problem, the decision will be easier – and vise versa. Also, having other people you trust weigh in on the decision helps take the pressure off and eliminates potential blindspots you might miss. Is that helpful?

      • Alex Savage

        Hey Bo, yes I need to do exactly what you said and what you had made plain in your article: make a list of the essentials. I’ve got to remember and stay aware of what I want. Also including others to weigh in on the decision is good too. Thanks for the suggestions!