What’s the best way to find a spouse as an INFJ?
When I was single, I got tired of waiting for the love of my life to show up on my doorstep. Looking back, I guess I’d expected to bump into her. I didn’t anticipate any effort on my part, at least when it came to searching.
But then I read a Proverb that changed my perspective: “He who finds a wife finds what is good.” The word that hit me in that statement was “find.” I realized could find a wife like finding a penny on the sidewalk, without any effort. Or I could find her like finding my lost iPhone when I’m intentionally looking for it.
Armed with this new perspective and motivated by a healthy discontentment, I took the first step I could think of.
1. Write It Down.
I began by brainstorming the names of girls I’d met since high school whom I admired. I made a list. The list represented a change in my thinking where I began taking more responsibility for the part I had to play in finding my future spouse. I knew I couldn’t control everything and couldn’t guarantee I’d ever get married, but I could certainly increase my chances of meeting a potential spouse by getting in touch with people.
As I brainstormed names, I included the following criteria…
- A common faith
- An others-centered attitude
- A good reputation
- Physical attractiveness
My list may look different than yours does or will. But the point is that I narrowed it down to my bottom-line priorities. She had to share my core values, but her personality type didn’t matter so much. My somewhat general, realistic list allowed me to meet awesome people that I would have missed out on otherwise.
2. Get In Touch.
Once I’d done the work of thinking through who I wanted to get to know, I started messaging and calling people. This was scary as all get out for me, but it was also exhilarating because I had the potential to get to know some people I had wanted to get to know for a long time. And usually, it’s the things that scare us the most that have the greatest opportunity to change our lives for the better.
When I called, I did get rejected a few times and learned that some people were no longer available which was discouraging. But at the same time, checking out all of my options helped me silence the relationship what-ifs I’d carried with me for a long time so that I could keep moving forward.
Calling and messaging people also helped me. It made me bolder and more confident. And having a list of names kept me from getting stuck on any one person. It reminded me that “there were other fish in the sea.”
3. Include Your Friends and Family.
Others set me up on blind dates. My friend’s wife, for instance, connected me with a friend of a friend. The date was awkward and didn’t work out, but we got along okay. And, as a result, the girl I met introduced me to one of her friends.
This introvert began to discover just how important other people were to my search. They helped me to become the person I needed to become to meet my future wife. And even though the calls and dates they arranged didn’t work out, each opportunity shaped my character and strengthened my confidence. It didn’t hurt that I got to meet great people along the way either.
4. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
Eventually, my dad told me about a girl I should call. Several other men he respected told him I should call her. So he got a hold of her number, gave it to me, and encouraged me to get in touch.
I respected my dad’s advice and that of the other guys he’d talk to, and the girl he’d told me about met all of the requirements on my list. So I wanted to give her a call.
But when push came to shove, I was afraid to because I’d never really met her before. This would be a true cold call, and I hate talking on the phone – especially to people I’ve never met.
Fortunately, my dad pretty much cornered me in a room and told me I’d be calling her. He wasn’t overbearing or controlling. He just gave me the push I needed to do what I actually wanted to do but seemed to lack the courage for.
And I’m glad he did.
It turns out, there’s nothing wrong with or unusual about feeling afraid. Everyone feels that way at some point or another. What matters is how you respond to the fear. We all need people in our corner who are loving enough to give us a nudge at critical moments in our lives when we’re stuck.
They’re a big part of finding what we’re searching for…